SuperJanitor

A number of years ago, when I was both still a kid and living in New Jersey, my family and I went on a day trip to Atlantic City. The actual number of times I’ve been to that city I can count on one hand, it was kind of out of our way. There isn’t a lot that I can recall about the place, since as a kid my mind was probably elsewhere, and not concerned with committing my particular experiences to memory. But it is odd, what you end up remembering from long lost days many years ago.

Walking on the boardwalk, I was earnestly more enamored with the ocean than any cheap thrills the boardwalk might have had to offer. The ocean is free, Ripley’s Believe It Or Not, is not. It was, of course, an overcast, rainy day that day, which by no means kept people from the city. It just meant those people who were without umbrellas were huddled under the awnings of all the tourist traps, or lingering in the lobbies of the casinos. We made our way through all the various stores, taking in all the sights and smells the boardwalk had to offer. I only remember but snippets of what I saw that day, until the end of the day was nearing. We we probably just taking a break from walking when we positioned ourselves outside a strip of stores to rest for a bit. The building behind where we were standing had multiple individual businesses inside it, so they could be inside, shielded away from the elements.

I remember standing in the corner formed by the building and the railing the protruded out of it, just watching the people walk by when the door into the building opens. Two people on stilts duck down to walk out of the regular sized door and shuffle way toward the boardwalk. It was obviously a man and a woman, since one was dressed in a dark blue outfit, the other in a shade of pink. It was also obvious that they were employees of one of the businesses inside, whose job it was to hand out flyers. What was not obvious to me, at that point in time, was what would happen next. Keep in mind it had been raining off and on all day, it was overcast, the sun was not out, and the fact that the boardwalk is in very close proximity to the ocean and it all adds up to some very slippery planks of wood.

The pair on stilts saunter out to the boardwalk, flyers in hand. They probably seem taller to me in retrospect because I was a kid back then, I was shorter, and everything looks bigger when you are a kid. But nevertheless the man on the stilts made a false move, which was stepping on the boardwalk to begin with. I can see it in my mind in slow motion. He puts his right foot out on the wood of the boardwalk and in the instant he begins to put any of his weight on it, the tiny stilt-foot slips out from underneath him, which in turn sends his stilt-leg flying into the air soon followed by his other stilt-leg and then with the rest of his body. The oddly proportioned man hits the boardwalk with a mighty thud, kind of like if you dropped 160 pounds of dead weight from six or seven feet up. He lays with his back on the boardwalk, the flyers in his hand, a causality of his fall, lay stuck on the wet boardwalk, which is probably where they would have ended up anyway, so it’s not like his didn’t do his job anyway. The weird thing is, I don’t remember seeing a single flyer that hadn’t landed face down, so I have no idea who they represented or what they were trying to sell.

The woman on stilts tries to bend down to see if he is alright, it’s difficult for her because she is, after all, still on stilts. She says a few words to him as best she can, all the while trying not to replicate what he just did. A few seconds later, she heads inside, most likely to alert whomever she works for, and I don’t see her again. I don’t quite remember how the next series of events unfolded, but I’m pretty sure the guy got himself sitting up, enough to remove his stilts anyway. I watched as he hobbled himself back inside where, just minutes before, he had come from.

I don’t remember how old I was that day, what time of year it was, or really who all was with me. I do remember a guy on stilts falling down though, and that’s fine with me.

http://shootthebanker.com/

Shoot the banker is a website where, among one other thing, you shoot a banker. The other thing is calling up the banker and complaining to him about the economic mess he’s gotten us into. But this banker doesn’t take live ammunition to the chest, opting instead for pink paintballs in lieu of 9mm rounds. An herein lies the best part of the whole thing, you control the gun. A live stream from a webcam is broadcast of the target (the banker), while those in line wait their turn for 10 seconds and 2 paintballs. The banker must swerve and dodge the never ending onslaught of angry peasant-folk’s paintballs, all the while dishing out insults to hapless callers that are either in over their head, or underage.

Here’s a perfect example:

I’m sure things like this have been created before somewhere out there on the vast tubes of the internet, but this is fairly creative, given the premise of the project. The only trouble is that irony exists, and the people at shoot the banker can’t afford to keep it running. Turns out the very machine they rage against, in the end, got them too. This is only their third week in operation, and they claim they are $10,000 “in the hole” from the resources devoted to keeping something like this running. So by the banker’s estimates, this will also be their last week in business. So if you’ve got an axe to grind with any of the world’s bankers that swindled you out of your retirement all in one fell swoop, you’ve got just a few days left to take that aggression out on an honest to goodness (sort of) banker.

All in all, it’s a pretty impressive feat for a few hobbyists. Creating both the gun rig, and the program to control the interface from scratch. But sadly, like they say, all good things must come to an end. So kudos to they guys behind this little gem, the internet would be a better place if its inhabitants were as creative as you guys.

They’ve even got their own fan site(s)!

Check it out, the banker is in from 9 – 5 Mountain time (he really does this for eight hours straight), and sometimes the janitors are in afterward, followed by late night with Taran and Brig (the creators of the show).

It was five years ago today that I began to grow my hair. For the whole of my life to that time, I had always had short or very short hair. Never did it get more than a few inches long, except maybe when I was still in diapers, but that doesn’t count. Presently I feel that this hairstyle has run its course. I let it grow for four years before having some length taken off of it, leaving a foot left. It has been a defining feature of the me for the longest time. I’m not sure I would know how to act without my hair.

And so in my reluctance to let go of my hard grown hair, I’ve begun to search for alternatives. There are styles other than the one I have now, which is either down or in a pony tail. These are some of the selected styles I’ve been thinking about:

Really Long Hair (aka The Rapunzel)

This is a surprising first style to be looking at since I just got through saying I don’t want my current hair style. This is true, but what is also true is that once hair goes past a certain length it becomes more than just hair, it becomes an appendage unto itself. We have all seen the people with the really long hair style, and it is something to behold isn’t it? It’s impressive in a Ripley’s Believe it or Not sort of way. While I did have long hair, I never had the really long hair look, seeing as though I never reached guru status and all. This is probably the easiest look for me to achieve, requiring no effort on my part at all, just to let my hair continue growing.

Rapunzel is the one on the left.

Dreadlocks (aka the Bob Marley)

What says liberal arts 20-something college student more than long hair? Why dreadlocks of course! Without having to do any cutting, I could get the dreadlock look. In place of cutting, however, there is the task of creating dreadlocks, which is not only time consuming but also rather permanent. The permanent factor is what has kept me from already having the dreadlock look. There is also a measure of social stigma attached to the dreadlock look, mostly negative. Well I think that it’s gotten a bad rap, though I’m not out to prove anything. In the past I’ve had my hair in dreadlocks, and there are a few improvements over loose hair. For one thing, having your hair in dreadlocks keeps it more together (obviously), this means that there aren’t strands getting in your face/eyes/nose/mouth/ear, which is actually really nice, to not have to deal with that. It also gives your hair more volume by default. Your hair is in bunches, it sits up higher, makes you look like you have more hair than you do. Also it’s fun to wave around.

Bob Marley

The Skullet (aka the Devin Townsend)

My first style that would require some amount of cutting. The skullet consists of long hair all the way around the skull, except for the top which is cut short, or with most cases is bald(ing). The skullet then mostly derives from people who are in the process of balding on top, but still want to hang on to whatever hair they still have, and grow it out wherever they can. But this look can also be achieved artificially, and would have to be in my case since I am not balding and don’t plan on it for a number of years. If I do end up balding, at least with this style I can see how it would look on me.

Devin Townsend

The Mullet (aka the Time Traveler)

What separates the mullet from the skullet is that the mullet generally only has the length of hair in the back of the scalp. Business in the front, party in the back, so to speak. This hairstyle also has a certain social stigma. By wearing your hair this way you are effectively telling the world you want to belong to a group of individuals who are known for wearing the mullet. But I believe that the mullet can be worn tactfully and professionally. I suppose there really is only one way to test that theory. Well, I am in the south after all.

This is not a joke.

The Comb Over (aka the John McCain)

The old balding standby, the comb over. This is what you do when you have little hair left to speak of on the top of your head, but can still grow it everywhere else. I could create the comb over look no problem. In fact I could also probably do a comb over moustache as well, with the length of hair I have presently. Comb overs are again reserved for a general type of person. The type of person who just can’t accept the fact they they are of the balding sort, and probably old. Old since they aren’t hip enough to sport the skullet, and also because they are in fact balding. But for me this would be a chance to look through their eyes, to see how someone with a comb over might see the world. I might just find something out about myself I had not previously known.

John McCain

The Male Pattern Baldness (aka the Patrick Stewart)

But what happens when someone who is balding embraces their baldness? I’ll tell you what happens, you get things like Star Trek: The Next Generation, wait that’s not right. You get people like Patrick Stewart! And who wouldn’t want to have the male pattern baldness look when a guy like Patrick Stewart wears it so well. Not too many people I can think of. The male pattern baldness evokes a certain amount of dignity to the person who wears it. It says, I’ve been around long enough to know what’s going on, I am wise, and that I should probably engage.

Patrick Stewart

I could continue, but the rest of the hairstlyes out there seem trivial, and oh so normal. Typical short hairstyles seem like just that typical. So I will leave these for your and my continued consideration.

A lot has happened since my last post. Although I’m sure things, interesting things, have happened outside the United States, I refer specifically to what has transpired within the confines of these United States very recently. Namely the shoveling out of an old administration and the installation of a new one in our federal government, since you know, we only care about that particular government. I’m quite certain that the traditional and non-traditional media have the situation covered, I’m glad it’s not my job anyway. But for all the extreme reporting going on around the clock about our new first family, there is one thing that sticks out in my mind that no one wants to talk about, dare I say, is scared to talk about. Well you’ll read it here first folks, I’ll ask the hard hitting questions that you want to know the answers to. I’ll get to the bottom of things,  just like one of those paid journalist people. This pressing issue is neckties.

Why no one talks about it is a mystery to me. Seems to me if we can have lurid arguments about whether or not a coat must be worn in the Oval Office, it almost goes without saying that we should also debate what color ties our political leaders wear. I recently sat down with newly appointed Special Envoy for Arab-Israeli Affairs George J. Mitchell to see what he had to say about the current state of neck ware on Capitol Hill. Here is what he had to say:

SuperJanitor: Do you think the neck ware we see in Washington will in turn reflect the changing climate now that George Bush has left office and Barack Obama has taken his place?

George Mitchell: Well I certainly feel that President Obama has the audacity that is necessary to take on the challenges he will face as president, and that he will act swiftly to do what needs to be done. He wont beat around the Bush, so to speak. *laughs*

SJ: Interesting generic rhetoric. But what about the neckties specifically? In your expert opinion where do you see the future of men’s dress accessories in politics going?

GM: The skies the limit, really. I mean look how far we’ve come. If we can elect President Obama, and simply considering the implications of that alone, just think of where we can take this new administration in the coming years.

It was clear, although somewhat unfortunately, that Mr. Mitchell only spoke one language, and it wasn’t fashion. My search for answers must continue however, but first a look at where the all controversy started.

Campaigns are a brutal sport to be sure, but there’s always something going on beneath the surface, something more than what you plainly see. Subtle messages conveyed by any of the players in the game are present at any given function. Let’s take a look at the two biggest players in this past election cycle.

First we have senator John McCain, who in his red tie, gives America a thumbs up.

The connotation is obvious, for red is the color of the Republican party, the party he represented in 2008 as their choice for president, and continues to represent in the senate. During any political campaign it is crucial to leave the impression that you are wholly committed to the values you represent, and what better way to show your commitment than by the color of your tie? Surely there is no better sign.

In contrast we have the winner of that game, President Barack Hussein Obama in his shiny, clearly democratic, blue tie.

Waggling his index finger at America at the Democratic National Convention, he stands as a representative of just that, democrats, though not necessarily democracy. Once again we see the tie as being the symbol of a particular parties values, and one does not choose, or wear, the color lightly. Indeed to wear the color blue or red around your neck is to draw lines, make friends and enemies, and endorse a set of values all with one cut of fabric.

It is beyond a shadow of a doubt that the tie is the definitive symbol of American politics, and the offices we hold in such high regard. Without the tie telling us what the men stand for, I fear many of us would have little idea what is actually going on. It is the glue that holds our government together, the well, tie that binds.

To get a different angle on the situation, I talked to Representative for Afghanistan-Pakistan Relations Richard C. Holbrooke. Here’s what he had to say about the subject:

SuperJanitor: You’ve been around the block for a while now, what do you think about the stark differences that neckties represent in our government?

Richard Holbrooke: Well I think it’s very important to have these differences in neckties. How else could you tell immediately upon seeing someone you have never heard of before what it is exactly they stand for, and which party they generally represent. It really is a good system we have in place. The American people know that the men they are seeing are either Republican or Democrat in a fraction of a second.

SJ: So this was a planned effect?

RH: Oh of course. Did you really think that we would miss even one chance to subliminally tell the American people anything? It’s sort of like telling [Americans] that their money is worth anything anymore. It’s really just a farce.

SJ: Well that’s quite a claim you’re making, so do you think that ties have anything to do with the current economic crisis then?

RH: I can’t deny a link.

SJ: That’s something, well I’m almost out of time, is there anything you woulod like to add to the whole necktie-economy debacle?

RH: If they would just wear ties in the Middle East, everything would be solved!

Obviously neckties has a much more sinister aim than previously thought. But do I really want to go down that rabbit hole? Could I handle the truth behind the necktie and its colors? What bearing do neckties have on the world’s stage? It seems my questions only led to more questions. The truth must be found out…

This is becoming increasingly true with the slightly colder weather we’ve been having.

Sorry if you were hoping for a long winded diatribe about PETA. Now is not the time, on this 2008 presidential election eve.

’nuff said.

Original air date: February 13, 2006.